Ross Tucker stans for Taylor Swift over Prince and is swiftly kicked in balls

Sports analyst Ross Tucker’s explanation of his egregious tweet suggesting that Taylor Swift was better than Prince is worse than the tweet itself, and if I must comment on this at all, that’s what I want to focus on. No one is looking for twenty-one pages of me dissecting Taylor Swift in comparison to Prince, not even me, and I love dissecting things in comparison to Prince. I’d dissect a McRib sandwich in comparison to Prince. But it’s Taylor Swift. You really need to consider what else you must be doing wrong in other areas of your life if you’re over the age of twenty and going in the paint for Taylor Swift’s catalog next to Sign O’ The Times.

I didn’t even know who Ross Tucker was before this kerfuffle because I’m still boycotting the NFL and I generally don’t listen to people who talk about sports for a living. If we’re in a barbershop and you want to break down that week’s games, cool, but that’s about where I draw the line. That said, a little research never hurt anybody, and it turns out that he’s played for the team I despise most of all, the Washington Redskins, which pretty much explains his taste in everything as far as I’m concerned. That he also played for the Cowboys just wraps up an Americana bingo card I didn’t even know I hated. I mean, he’s played as both a cowboy and an Indian? This dude is practically a Little Rascal.

Here is the tweet that Tucker posted two days ago:

TWEET_RossTuckerPrince

Please don’t ever compare Prince to @taylorswift13 ever again.
ESPECIALLY on her birthday.
I just confirmed with my ears that she has at least 10 songs better than any of his.

Here was Tucker’s explanation of the tweet on yesterday’s episode of The Dan Patrick Show, which is another sports analyst show I never listen to because I own a working library card. (Note: I had to transcribe this and now hate myself). If you want to watch the video, that’s here. The carnage starts at 5:52.

Well, just to give some background, Dan, okay. Yesterday was Taylor Swift’s birthday. She does, by the way, happen to be from my hometown of Wyomissing, Pennsylvania, so I might be a little bit biased there. So on my radio show we were playing all Taylor Swift music. And one of my listeners knows that I happen to think that Prince’s music was overrated. So he tweeted me and said, “You like this stuff but you don’t like Prince?” And I said, you know, don’t compare Taylor Swift to Prince. I think Taylor Swift has ten songs that are better than any of Prince’s songs. And Dan, it did not go over real well. (Laughs) I got eviscerated on social media. And people were telling me, “Well, Prince plays 26 instruments. Prince had his own genre. He changed the culture.” Look, Dan: I don’t care how many instruments he plays. I’m not comparing the two as musicians. I know he wrote “Nothing Compares 2 U” for Sinead O’Connor. I’m talking about their songs. And all I care about – not genres or culture or how sophisticated you sound – all I care about is how the music sounds when it goes through my ears into my brain. And I’m telling you there’s at least five Taylor Swift songs that I’d rather listen to than any Prince song. I mean, what’s his best song, Dan? “Purple Rain?” (sings dully) Like, that’s not good. Where is that good? When is that song good? I mean, (sings horribly) “Raspberry Beret”. That’s okay. I actually like “Little Red Corvette.” But I’d still take five Taylor Swift songs over them. I’m standing by it. I like her music more.

[Tucker is asked if he received any threats]

I got a lot of threats, yeah. A lot of people actually reported me to Twitter as spam. That’s suspicious, evidently. I got a lot of people threatening me with violence. My favorite is all the people, Dan, telling me to turn in my man card. That’s the joke of it to me, is that I think a lot of people say they like Prince because they think it makes them sound sophisticated or, you know, more artsy, more cultured, and they don’t want to admit that they like Taylor Swift because it’s teenybopper – in their mind – teenybopper, high school girls or whatever. But I think deep down in places that some people, like, don’t want to admit? I think that they love Taylor Swift music. And I think that when they get in the car and they’re driving they’d rather have one of her awesome songs come on than, uh, (sings badly) “Purple Rain”. And people threatening violence to me is hilarious. Because you know what I’ll do, Dan? I’ll come to their house and I’ll put Taylor Swift on my boombox and punch them in the face and I’ll beat them up while Taylor Swift music is playing in the background. How about that, for my man card?

[Tucker is asked which song he would play in such a scenario]

Oh man, there’s so many good ones. “Bad Blood”. I mean, if I’m going to get in a fight with somebody, “Bad Blood.”

You can’t see it right now, but I am pinching the space between my eyes the way one does when they’re about to participate in an activity they know will drive them into a drunken blackout later.

Let’s try to eat this elephant in parts and not whole, yes?

  1. “Well, just to give some background, Dan, okay. Yesterday was Taylor Swift’s birthday. She does, by the way, happen to be from my hometown of Wyomissing, Pennsylvania, so I might be a little bit biased there.”

Don’t care and irrelevant. Even his bias here is oddly irrelevant because he’s from a small town that’s basically 4.5 square miles of white folks who didn’t have the decency to change the name of the town after stealing the land from the Lenape.

  1. “So on my radio show we were playing all Taylor Swift music. And one of my listeners knows that I happen to think that Prince’s music was overrated. So he tweeted me and said, ‘You like this stuff but you don’t like Prince?’”

First, question anyone who has access to a radio channel and opts to play a day of Taylor Swift music sans payola or irony. That’s not a bias; that’s a problem. Second, the brother who lobbed the tweet Tucker was responding to kind of set this whole thing up by mentioning Prince in the middle of a Swift-athon and should shoulder some of the blame here. THANKS A LOT BA_HARRIS1.

  1. “And I said, you know, don’t compare Taylor Swift to Prince.”

THIS IS WHERE THIS STORY IS SUPPOSED TO END BUT DOESN’T BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE HATES ME AND IS A FRIGID LOVER WHO CAN’T EVEN KISS RIGHT MOST DAYS.

  1. “I think Taylor Swift has ten songs that are better than any of Prince’s songs. And Dan, it did not go over real well. (Laughs) I got eviscerated on social media.”

And here we have arrived at the crux of the problem.

For the record, I would have to look up ten Taylor Swift songs to even start this non-argument, whereas even the guy who came up with this shit theory can name at least three Prince songs from three different albums. I can rattle off songs I don’t like from artists I don’t respect if I have to make such comparisons, but on Swift I draw a blank. It isn’t personal. I simply find her forgettable. You can say a lot of things about Prince, but forgettable isn’t one of them. Also, he deserved every nut kick he got on social media for even broaching this.

  1. “And people were telling me, ‘Well, Prince plays 26 instruments. Prince had his own genre. He changed the culture.’ Look, Dan: I don’t care how many instruments he plays. I’m not comparing the two as musicians. I know he wrote ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ for Sinead O’Connor. I’m talking about their songs. And all I care about – not genres or culture or how sophisticated you sound – all I care about is how the music sounds when it goes through my ears into my brain.”

Trust a football player to move the goalposts in an argument. He makes so many qualifiers here that he’s practically mathed himself out of the conversation altogether. This would be like someone saying “pizza is better than a box of dry communion wafers” and Ross Tucker clearing his throat to mansplain that “sure, pepperoni is awesome and cheese is great and nobody can argue with the sweet nectar that is a good pizza sauce, but I don’t care about any of that because I’m not comparing pizza to a communion wafer on the basis of flavor. All I care about is chewing.”

Also, fact check: Prince wrote the song for a side project band, The Family, not O’Connor.

  1. “I mean, what’s his best song, Dan? “Purple Rain?” (sings dully) Like, that’s not good. Where is that good? When is that song good?”

No one, and I mean no one, would make a case that “Purple Rain” is Prince’s best song. Their favorite? Sure. His greatest? Perhaps. But it’s not even the best song on its album. And since Tucker likes scores so much, here’s a stat: Purple Rain outsold any two albums Taylor Swift has released to date combined.

  1. “My favorite is all the people, Dan, telling me to turn in my man card. That’s the joke of it to me, is that I think a lot of people say they like Prince because they think it makes them sound sophisticated or, you know, more artsy, more cultured…”

Anybody that told him to turn in his man card because he likes Taylor Swift is a person struggling with their own masculinity and probably drinks beer while they shower. Also, if you think being a Prince fan is a marker of sophistication and culture, you’re probably horrible on dates and think Taco Bell is serviceable Mexican fare. You probably watched the scene in Taxi Driver when Travis Bickle took his first date to the wrong movie and wondered what the big deal was.

  1. “And people threatening violence to me is hilarious. Because you know what I’ll do, Dan? I’ll come to their house and I’ll put Taylor Swift on my boombox and punch them in the face and I’ll beat them up while Taylor Swift music is playing in the background. How about that, for my man card?”

The former jock reveals himself to be a) still jock minded, b) a bully, c) older than he looks (boombox, dawg?), d) worried about being seen as a punk or worse, not a man, which is a typical macho jock response instead of simply defending his taste in music, which e) sucks.

  1. “[Tucker is asked which song he would play in such a scenario]
    Oh man, there’s so many good ones. “Bad Blood”. I mean, if I’m going to get in a fight with somebody, “Bad Blood.”

See 8e above. I mean, even Prince’s fight music is better than that. “Bob George” is a great fight song; it literally has a police standoff in it. In “Let’s Pretend We’re Married” Prince opines that he can fuck the taste out of someone’s mouth. That’s a tough little dude. If all else fails, we can just put on a record by The Time and you can just catch the funkiest ass whuppins ever all night.

There is no point in beating up Taylor Swift because it’s not like she went looking for a fight, especially on her birthday. People with more investment than I have taken her to task over the years to the point of Who Cares, and at the point that the utterly broken Kanye West can effectively troll you, there isn’t much more I can offer. The problem here isn’t Taylor Swift. The problem is the thirsty audacity of Ross Tucker, who in this moment exposes himself as little more than the Sean Hannity of music reviews.

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3 thoughts on “Ross Tucker stans for Taylor Swift over Prince and is swiftly kicked in balls

  1. Obviously you have taken too many hits to your head. You know nothing about music to even compare one dementional Taylor Swift to Prince who was a musical genius. Swift keeps writing songs about the men who dumped her. Not to mention her biggest fans are teenagers. Prince like MJ had fans of all ages. Stick to comments about the NFL, I here you weren’t considered a major player in that profession. Swift’s has more stalkers than any singer, maybe she should keep an eye on your weirdo azz. Shut up about music, JERK

  2. If you asked me to name the five great geniuses of the 20th century, Prince would be on that list. If the only song he ever wrote was Diamonds and Pearls, he would still be an important artist. Taylor Swift is…fine.

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