There is a silver lining during this phase of post-election Trump ascendancy (PETA): all bets for the job are officially off.
We no longer have to pretend that the American political machine is anything more than a high school popularity contest on steroids fronting for every –ism in the book and Big Banks. Donald Trump proves that, by law, anyone can literally become president in any given cycle. America has clarified that it does not care if you have no experience, answers, or facts before being endowed with access to nuclear codes. When all of you soft-ass liberals are done gnashing your teeth, rejoice: every white male you know is literally qualified to be president.
And since we now have to rewrite all of the children’s books to show that anyone can literally become president for completely different reasons than the ones we’ve been selling for generations, I’m advancing an early slate of possible candidates that I think could unseat Donald Trump in a mere four years:
The man spent more than a decade pretending to be a conservative wonk and half of actual conservatives still don’t know it was an act. He was the best deep-cover operative we ever had. And while we’ve since brought him in from the cold, we must consider activating his reserve duty card. He might go all Godfather III Pacino on us, but I think we can all agree it’s worth the risk.
Of all the people on this list, he’s probably the person who least wants the job. Which is unfortunate, since he’d smash at all the debates, do better impressions than Trump, and make the whole election cycle feel like living in an episode of Drunk History.
Westworld’s Man in Black
Tell me you don’t want to see Ed Harris scalp whatever’s really on Trump’s head.
…but only if all of his speeches are ripped from all the prank memes he’s featured in and he really tries to sell it. Otherwise he’s just another Washington suit who hurts our noble cause. Nobody wants Uncle Joe or Politician Joe or Letting Clarence Thomas Slide Joe anymore. But Ice Cream Joe? Home Alone Traps In The Lincoln Bedroom Joe? That dude can get America’s vote.
If you want to win by a landslide, go for the guy who’s had a book in every household in America for the last thirty years. Sure, he’s a little racist in that almost-accidental way that liberals often are when they don’t have any black friends, but Maine-swag aside, if everyone who bought one of his books every year voted no one would stand a chance against him. Not to mention that he was woke for about five seconds on Freddie Gray, so he’s way overqualified.
Dave Chappelle in white face
The only way a black man gets elected president again for the next twenty years.
No working actor has portrayed more of what makes America truly great than Goggins. He has played every archetype a presidential election cares about in 2016: cowboy, white supremacist, transgendered woman, crooked cop, crooked congressman, crooked evangelical, ex-con. A print out of Goggins’ IMDB page could double as an American quilt. He’ll have the opposition so confused they won’t know who they’re voting for, which really isn’t so different from what just happened.
So long as all of his speeches are excerpts from Deadpool scenes and not Green Lantern whiffs, we’re gold here. If he’s willing to work the circuit in his Deadpool costume there he’d completely sweep the millennial and middle class rom-com vote…a combination no Republican could defeat.
Tremors-era Kevin Bacon
Tremors is a perfect film, and beyond being one of Bacon’s finest hours, is also a symbolic reflection of our times. The film encompasses all manner of themes relevant to voting Americans: isolationism, the power of organic diversity, pulling one’s self up by their bootstraps, the gun control debate, working in a skill-based economy…it’s an astounding slice of political Americana. (Actually, the more I think about it, this might be a bad idea. Tremors is kind of a Republican wet dream, up to and including having no black people and a scary brown monster who burrows under the walls to sneak into our fair country. I take it back: Valentine McKee is a nightmare. My bad.)
Optimus Prime isn’t real, but then neither was Trump. He can transform into a symbol for American exceptionalism at the drop of a dime. He’s already red, white and blue. (Well, technically red, chrome and blue BUT WE KNOW YOUR GAME HASBRO.) He’s into guns, but isn’t above talking it out with someone on the other side of the aisle. Finally, he has the coolest voice of any giant robot ever.
(Note: I mostly have a fictional alien robot on this list as a test for all the racist birthers who conveniently forgot that you have to be born in this country to be president. Unless you’re Ted Cruz and understand Constitutional law, I guess.)
Even with Clint Eastwood’s ringing endorsement in 2012, this chair failed to make the cut against Obama. I know what you’re thinking: “Scott, this chair ran Republican.” While that’s true, I think we can all agree that “Republican” doesn’t mean what it used to. There’s a good chance we can talk the chair into going the third party route and clean up middle-of-the-road voters who like artisanal crafts as well as lazy people who love sitting…a major portion of the American voting bloc on both sides of the aisle.