Things I Am Reasonably Sure Prince Has Never Done

Things I Am Reasonably Sure Prince Has Never Done
– Scott Woods

  1. Replaced toner in a copy machine
  2. Manned the grill
  3. Needed proof of ID
  4. Played for exposure
  5. Used a feather duster on a piece of furniture
  6. Worked part time in a five and dime
  7. Touched a black woman’s hair unsolicited
  8. Stayed on the phone with technical support
  9. Used a coupon
  10. Been the victim of identity theft
  11. Pumped gas
  12. Sat through a poetry open mic
  13. Filled out a job application
  14. Eaten starfish
  15. Made a lanyard at camp
  16. Worn a 3X shirt
  17. Worried about his credit rating
  18. Fired a gun more than once
  19. Thrown the first pitch
  20. Used Coinstar
  21. Cut grass
  22. Kept change in the ashtray
  23. Changed a lightbulb
  24. Gone fishing
  25. Shushed someone in a library
  26. Cleaned a fish tank
  27. Been put in handcuffs by anyone that wasn’t a lover
  28. Rode with a motorcycle gang
  29. Used the word “synergy” in a business meeting
  30. Stripped a bolt
  31. Replied All by accident
  32. Lost at spades
  33. Put a “got next” token on a Galaga game
  34. Sniffed milk to check its drinkability
  35. Housesat
  36. Pinched a finger because of tape measurer snapback
  37. Worn a Thriller jacket
  38. Compared a woman to a jeep
  39. Played a game of Monopoly to completion
  40. Failed a Rorschach test
  41. Kicked a copy machine
  42. Cashed soda bottles at a grocery store
  43. Used a staple remover
  44. Changed the oil in a car
  45. Broke a heel in a sidewalk grate
  46. Not smelled the roses
  47. Gone caroling
  48. Sang Rick James at karaoke
  49. Consulted a road map
  50. Killed a roach with a slipper
  51. Testified before Congress
  52. Changed a clock to Daylight Savings Time
  53. Worn a tie to a job interview
  54. Asked to use vacation time
  55. Submitted work for peer review
  56. Used left-handed scissors
  57. Double flushed
  58. Won a rap battle
  59. Cleaned a gutter
  60. Separated the stems on a Prince album cover
  61. Shoveled a driveway
  62. Read a romance novel
  63. Eaten beans’n’weenies
  64. Hit snooze
  65. Rubbed Vicks Vaporub on his chest
  66. Placed in a science fair
  67. Spanked a child
  68. Stood in line at the DMV
  69. Stained a deck
  70. Smoked wings
  71. Wore a bike helmet
  72. Used 6 months same as cash
  73. Lost a thumbwrestling match
  74. Upholstered a chair
  75. Played Keno
  76. Misapplied “their”
  77. Been stung by a bee
  78. Used a library card
  79. Won at Scrabble
  80. Cut Kool-Aid with liquor
  81. Watched all of Cosmos
  82. Used a Complete Idiot’s Guide for anything
  83. Run out of deodorant
  84. Played marbles
  85. Replaced a trashcan bag
  86. Written a Yelp review
  87. Made a pair of nunchakus out of a broom handle
  88. Cut a toenail too close
  89. Changed a diaper
  90. Eaten a taco perfectly
  91. Bet on red
  92. Spent the night in anyone’s guest room
  93. Stood in line for the midnight sale of a GTA game
  94. Hammered his thumb
  95. Pledged a fraternity
  96. Made a mixtape with other people’s music on it
  97. Taken a blown glass class
  98. Hit a trifecta at the track
  99. Tazed a bro
  100. Grown old

5 thoughts on “Things I Am Reasonably Sure Prince Has Never Done

  1. I never post poems here, but you don’t get to steal my 100% of my joy today, America.
    – sew

  2. I still fee like I can picture him doing at least a couple of these things though, like pumping gas, or eating a taco, perfectly.

    That one about having his ID stolen is pretty funny tho’.

  3. Re #11: See the “Betcha By Golly Wow” video. OK, he’s ACTING like he’s pumping gas, but still!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s