I do this thing around the house where I make up songs about my dogs out of the blue. Don’t laugh; you do that shit too with something in your life – your kids, your phone, stuck in traffic jams…something. I’m not the only one, goddammit. Anyhow, there is one distinguishing thing about this activity beyond my hella-sweet tenor and my WTF-awesome stage name: I always sing them in the style of R&B slow jams. Upon gathering my numerous on-the-spot titles in one place, I realized that almost all of them could be mistaken for a modern R&B song. Such is the state of R&B music that a man can make up suggestive ballads about his dogs and they still sound like a Billboard Hot Singles chart. Clearly, I’m not the problem here.
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the liner notes from Ricky Dogstylez’s debut album, Doggy Always in Style.
1) Chew On It
This my jam. This song came to me after watching my dog Nettie chew a bone. Most of the songs for this record come out of this completely natural and harmless activity.
2) Doggy Always In Style
The title cut, and the runaway hit of the album (but you already know that fanz!!!1). This one came after seeing my dogs in their winter jackets for a walk (which always matches your boy’s gear for the day! Holla at me Sean John so I can take the fuzz off your label in the video!). I thought it was pretty stylish, thus the title.
3) Blinded By The Bone
My dogs love chew bones, yo. Like, they really get into the marrow of them shits. So I had to talk about it because when they get into it they can’t even hear you calling their names. It’s like they’re deaf when they chew. Aw man, I should have called it “Deafened by the Bone.” Too late, already an underground smash.
4) Put That Leash On Me (featuring Snoop Dogg/Lion/The Pimp Formerly Known As Calvin Broadus & Tim Dog & McGruff & Pitbull & Bow Wow)
Another summertime banger HA HA! I was putting a leash on my dogs for a walk but then, BOOM! I was struck by inspiration. They had to wait another three hours before I could get them out, since when music calls, I pick that ho’s call up every time.
5) My Tail In The Air
Boston Terriers (“The American Gentlemen” of dogs) typically have short tails, so it always looks like they’re giving it their all when they wag them. Their whole butt has to move or it’s not happenin’. That’s real love, son.
6) Chasin’ Pussy
I also own a cat, and even though they don’t chase him around the house, I thought it would be funny if they did. LOL! Shout out to Mylo, fiercest outdoor cat in Berwyn!!!1!!
7) I’ma Need That Treat Right Now (featuring One Direction)
They love them some treats, yo. And I love to give them the treats. Their love was so strong for the treats that the chorus came real easy to me, like BOOM:
I don’t care what I gotta’ do
To get that chewy treat from you
I’ma show you how a doggy gets down
But I’ma need that treat right nowwwww
DAMN, that’s my shit right there, yo! Shout out to One Direction for singing back-up on that shit for cheap and helping a brother break into that mainstream money, son! #GettinPaid #ThatDisneyMoneyThough
8) Rollin’ Over For Your Love
Every dog just wants its belly rubbed, but my dogs know to roll over for it or it’s #GoinOnYourBack HA HA! BOOM.
9) Throw Your Balls At Me (featuring Adele)
They don’t catch real well, but they love to go outside and chase balls. Which reminds me: I meant to cut the grass before it got too cold. Now they gon’ have to deal with it come spring. DAMMMMMN! Shout out to Adele for really pumping the hook and bringing home that real sense of longing that goes with waiting for your master to throw that ball at you. Shit’s real, sis.
10) I Swallow Everythang
Chew toys, rawhides, random thangs around the crib…they swallow ALL of that shit. I don’t even think they use their teeth half the time, which I hear is dangerous, but what are you gonna’ do? They swallow it ALL, yo.