2013 Sit The Fuck Down List – The Music Remix

Here are ten music industry folks who, for one reason or another over the past year, need to go put their heads down on their desks until they’re called on. Sit the fuck down, yo.

1) Chris Brown
In all fairness, he’s on my list every year. What’s most jaw-dropping about this idiot is that he’s on my lists every year for the same fucking reason: Chris Brown can’t keep his hands to himself. Fuck anger management classes: anger is his manager.

His balls have since filed a restraining order.

2) Kanye West
This dude spent most of 2013 laying the seeds for a really heavy fall yet to be determined. The problem is that he’ll have one of those soft, Michael Jackson falls: being so rich you don’t feel the fall. But make no mistake, it’s coming. He’s been popping crazy pills and chasing them down with 40 ounces of grape Insaneade all year. And no good can come from marrying a Kardashian and being proud of that fact. Should Beyonce be expecting an apology for him suggesting he can turn Kim K. into a bigger star than Beyonce now that Beyonce just scooped the world’s ass out with a new album that’s going to go platinum before the last day of Kwaznaa? I should think so. Kanye’s problem in a nutshell: he’s trying too hard.

Jesus only got paid scale for this come-to-Yeezus moment.

3) R. Kelly
Who did this guy piss off?! R. Kelly thought he was going to release a new album to moderate fanfare (it’s happened before) but the internet tweaked his shit out the gate this time. Apparently the world has had enough of Kelly’s shenanigans with young girls and has basically put him on blast 24/7 until something breaks. Now it’s just a waiting game to see which girl steps forward next and what the market considers a black girl’s life is worth this season.

Don’t worry: her mother is standing just off camera.

4) Miley Cyrus
I have never seen a person with so little ass try to show it to me so much.

Her thong has a thong, and it’s crying.

5) Justin Beiber
Trying to add street cred to that Silver Spoons image he had going on was a big mistake. Even if I didn’t like their music I still wouldn’t wish a bad life on a child celebrity. But this dude ain’t a child no more. Big boy pants, son. Buy some.

In all fairness, he was trying to grab his pacifier

6) The rap industry in response to Kendrick Lamar
Half of the rappers in the world got butt-hurt over a verse on a guest spot during which Kendrick Lamar does what every other rapper does in every other song, just better: talks shit. Anyone who responded to it with anything other than buying more studio time to make their next album better is a fucking loser.

“My bad, I was supposed to suck to get attention? I didn’t know.”

7) Jay-Z
First, Harry Belefonte is a goddamned civil rights activism icon, in that real, fuck-you-white-power kind of way. Jay-Z getting into it with him was unnecessary on Jay’s part, not because he’s going to lose any money on it, but because Belafonte was right to call him out on some things. Jay should have taken the hit, tweaked a few appearances, and come out of this a bigger and better man. Instead, he swagged all over the “Day-O” song and went on to piss even more people off with his unapologetic Barneys connect. Not that this stopped anybody from sucking his balls over a music video later, but still. Remember kids: Jay-Z will throw you under a moving thrasher with the hope that the nickel in your pocket might fall out.

James Baldwin has really been working out, yo.

8) LL Cool J
Luscious Lips James took a big misstep in appearing on a track with country star Brad Paisley (please note, I could put a period at the end of that line so far and be done here) dropping some choice grade-A bullshit about slavery equivalencies to redneck fashion and flags…because being flogged in front of your family and hung from a tree is totally like being judged for wearing the wrong t-shirt. This is the kind of thing that wouldn’t have happened (one hopes) after “12 Years a Slave” came out, but whatareyougonnado?

LL hasn’t worn gold chains since he started making black rom-com money.

9) Robin Thicke
You can tell how bad you fucked up a song launch by how fast they get you off of “Real Husbands of Hollywood” because one of your co-stars might slip and make a joke about your current real world problems, and then you’d be fired for getting your ass kicked by the host of “America’s Got Talent.” Dude: you know you stole that Marvin Gaye groove. You done it before! That’s why you were trying to settle up front. But look: you’re already rich. Pay the license, share the credit, and collect the royalties unmolested…piece of cake. It’s not like anybody thinks you’re a great composer anyway.

“What’s REALLY going on, Robin, is you stole my shit.”

10) White acts and their one night stands with culture
While you might think this is secretly my way of making Miley Cyrus sit the fuck down twice, this is a real problem in 2013. From Miley’s quirky twerkless affair to Katy Perry’s homage to “Memoirs of a WTF”, white people just can’t get the hang of not co-opting other people’s cultures for entertainment purposes. When some high school kid dresses in blackface for Halloween, through all of the anger and despair there is still a part of most people that understands that they’re ignorant, not-raised-right kids. But when you’re a grown-ass rich adult with management teams and handlers about to perform in front of millions of people, you don’t get that pass. Even if you’re a fucking idiot, you’re at least paying lots of people 12% to not let you get blasted in the face by Black Twitter.

In all fairness, she’s eaten enough Ramen Noodles to be considered 1/16th Korean…which still makes her wrong.
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26 thoughts on “2013 Sit The Fuck Down List – The Music Remix

  1. Luv it! I agree completely, except for the Kendrick Lamar.. he is an above average thinker and writer and cannot be classified just as a Rapper. (Not that you did that) I’m a lil overprotective with my ❤ for Kendrick! Great writer up Scott!

    1. He didn’t say Kendrick could have a seat he said the rap industry response should have been get in the studio so those who didn’t should sit down.

    2. Thank you! (…though I think it’s a sad day when we can call someone “above average” and that be noteworthy.)

  2. I think some people were accidentally skipped maybe it’s because they are so irrelevant. I agree with most of what was said.

  3. SWoods, now you need to sit your ass down and put your head on the desk until I call you for making that statement about, “eating enough ramen noodles to be 1/16 Korean. Really? Sit the Fuck Down.

    1. I agree Tamara Yeldell! Penning a critique of what’s …just not right….and then making an overtly racist Ramen Noodles/Korean connect….you should be on your own “2013 Sit The Fuck Down List.”

      1. Do you people not know what sarcasm is? or what a joke is? He was joking, stop taking everything so literal, if you don’t like his jokes, don’t read his blog.

    2. It was sarcasm, is it not an Asian food? Although it isn’t Korean, (It’s a Japanese dish, and Katy Perry was dressed as a geisha, which is of Japanese culture) he just said it to prove a point. Jesus.

    3. To Tamara, Kim, and anyone else who missed the OBVIOUS satire of the “Ramen noodles” remark: you really need to re-evaluate your life. Start by sitting down and looking up the definition of the word “satire”.

  4. Oh you might want to add Britney Spears Lady Gaga and Beyonce to this list. All of them over saturated over rated and under performing.

    1. Being crassly marketed isn’t enough to get you on a STFD list. If that were a qualification I’d just scan a Billboard list and post it.

  5. Well damn Scott Woods pinned the Tail of alot of Donkeys this year…hopefully we find some muscle besides Black Twittter ready to set records and record makers straight…go sit down somewhere fucks…p.s. I hope everyone finds a line between homage and dishonor…shameless Katy Perry crutching FreedomFortune GBU

  6. I really wish you and everyone else who spends their time shitting I celebrities would sit down. They’re are celebrities because people give a fuck about them that’s the difference between them and you.. No one cares about your opinion, only professional haters like yourself enjoy reading this crap, if you didn’t use a celebrity’s name your hits would be on zero.. Write something that’s meaningful, I’m sure you’re capable. Stop being lazy.

    1. So people aren’t allowed to have opinions? All humans talk about humans whether they’re celebrities or not. People are allowed to dislike celebrities and say whatever they would like, it’s called the first amendment. So basically you like every celebrity then? You believe that everything every celebrity does is alright? Come on, now. You need to STFD. And your telling someone to write something meaningful, while your screen name is My Dick? Come on now, you cut it out with the hate. It was so meaning-less that you took time out your life to read it and that write a response….come on now…Come. On.

  7. I actually don’t know who Kendrick Lamar is (see: middle-aged white guy loses all touch with contemporary music), but that did not keep me from laughing at that and pretty much everything else on here. Kudos to you, sir!

  8. Some wonderful, humorous, insightful criticism, augmented by serious bowling ball cajones! Bravo! There’s an old saying: The nail that sticks out gets the hammer. When folks like Kanye start believing their own hype they tend to self-destruct. When a damn fool even associates with the likes of a Kardashian the writing is already on the wall. No more jerk-offs being celebrated just for being celebrated or just rich. That’s not talent, print-worthy, interesting or intelligent. Folks need to stop confusing the art with the nutcase who made it. If the art stands on its own merit it doesn’t mater what or who the artist is, and if there’s no talent, it needs to be scrupulously ignored. Train wrecks, though fascinating, are a dime a dozen. Some folks just never mature past the Jr. High Fashion Show. Thank you. You have a refreshing view that takes no shit.

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