Here are ten music industry folks who, for one reason or another over the past year, need to go put their heads down on their desks until they’re called on. Sit the fuck down, yo.
1) Chris Brown
In all fairness, he’s on my list every year. What’s most jaw-dropping about this idiot is that he’s on my lists every year for the same fucking reason: Chris Brown can’t keep his hands to himself. Fuck anger management classes: anger is his manager.
2) Kanye West
This dude spent most of 2013 laying the seeds for a really heavy fall yet to be determined. The problem is that he’ll have one of those soft, Michael Jackson falls: being so rich you don’t feel the fall. But make no mistake, it’s coming. He’s been popping crazy pills and chasing them down with 40 ounces of grape Insaneade all year. And no good can come from marrying a Kardashian and being proud of that fact. Should Beyonce be expecting an apology for him suggesting he can turn Kim K. into a bigger star than Beyonce now that Beyonce just scooped the world’s ass out with a new album that’s going to go platinum before the last day of Kwaznaa? I should think so. Kanye’s problem in a nutshell: he’s trying too hard.
3) R. Kelly
Who did this guy piss off?! R. Kelly thought he was going to release a new album to moderate fanfare (it’s happened before) but the internet tweaked his shit out the gate this time. Apparently the world has had enough of Kelly’s shenanigans with young girls and has basically put him on blast 24/7 until something breaks. Now it’s just a waiting game to see which girl steps forward next and what the market considers a black girl’s life is worth this season.
4) Miley Cyrus
I have never seen a person with so little ass try to show it to me so much.
5) Justin Beiber
Trying to add street cred to that Silver Spoons image he had going on was a big mistake. Even if I didn’t like their music I still wouldn’t wish a bad life on a child celebrity. But this dude ain’t a child no more. Big boy pants, son. Buy some.
6) The rap industry in response to Kendrick Lamar
Half of the rappers in the world got butt-hurt over a verse on a guest spot during which Kendrick Lamar does what every other rapper does in every other song, just better: talks shit. Anyone who responded to it with anything other than buying more studio time to make their next album better is a fucking loser.
First, Harry Belefonte is a goddamned civil rights activism icon, in that real, fuck-you-white-power kind of way. Jay-Z getting into it with him was unnecessary on Jay’s part, not because he’s going to lose any money on it, but because Belafonte was right to call him out on some things. Jay should have taken the hit, tweaked a few appearances, and come out of this a bigger and better man. Instead, he swagged all over the “Day-O” song and went on to piss even more people off with his unapologetic Barneys connect. Not that this stopped anybody from sucking his balls over a music video later, but still. Remember kids: Jay-Z will throw you under a moving thrasher with the hope that the nickel in your pocket might fall out.
8) LL Cool J
Luscious Lips James took a big misstep in appearing on a track with country star Brad Paisley (please note, I could put a period at the end of that line so far and be done here) dropping some choice grade-A bullshit about slavery equivalencies to redneck fashion and flags…because being flogged in front of your family and hung from a tree is totally like being judged for wearing the wrong t-shirt. This is the kind of thing that wouldn’t have happened (one hopes) after “12 Years a Slave” came out, but whatareyougonnado?
9) Robin Thicke
You can tell how bad you fucked up a song launch by how fast they get you off of “Real Husbands of Hollywood” because one of your co-stars might slip and make a joke about your current real world problems, and then you’d be fired for getting your ass kicked by the host of “America’s Got Talent.” Dude: you know you stole that Marvin Gaye groove. You done it before! That’s why you were trying to settle up front. But look: you’re already rich. Pay the license, share the credit, and collect the royalties unmolested…piece of cake. It’s not like anybody thinks you’re a great composer anyway.
10) White acts and their one night stands with culture
While you might think this is secretly my way of making Miley Cyrus sit the fuck down twice, this is a real problem in 2013. From Miley’s quirky twerkless affair to Katy Perry’s homage to “Memoirs of a WTF”, white people just can’t get the hang of not co-opting other people’s cultures for entertainment purposes. When some high school kid dresses in blackface for Halloween, through all of the anger and despair there is still a part of most people that understands that they’re ignorant, not-raised-right kids. But when you’re a grown-ass rich adult with management teams and handlers about to perform in front of millions of people, you don’t get that pass. Even if you’re a fucking idiot, you’re at least paying lots of people 12% to not let you get blasted in the face by Black Twitter.